First Today. Next, Tomorrow.

Claiming the identity of a “traveler” to yourself, in my opinion, also in some ways attaches the label of “inconsistent” to your life. Sometimes that’s fun. It’s fun to have life always changing around you, but sometimes it can also be bittersweet. Watching the sun set over a Moroccan skyline tonight, with the background of the call to prayer playing from the local mosque as music to my ears, I was talking to a friend about life. Life here in Morocco. Life back in America. And we were talking about time. How fast time moves, and how slow it moves all at once, like one big contradiction designed to mess up your perception of the world around you.

 

We got off the phone, and I headed out of my apartment onto the busy streets of my town that only seem to come alive after the sun goes down here. I strolled through the streets teaming with motorcycles and carts selling oranges and dates and popcorn, and sat at a table on the sidewalk eating delicious harira and msimn, watching the swarms of people flow around me like a wave. And everything about tonight was exactly what I’ve always dreamed for my life to be.  Getting a chance to travel to a foreign land, experience new sights, sounds, smells. I’m meeting people and sharing my culture with them while learning to love their culture at the same time. I’m struggling through a foreign language and laughing my way through the whole process. It’s a life many people can only dream of.

But that conversation about life and time and people followed me back to my apartment after finishing my dinner. We talked about how today is exactly four months that I’ve been in this country. And how we can’t believe it’s only been four months, it feels like so much more. But damn. Has it really already been four months? The things that have already changed in that time break my heart and blow my mind all at the same time. I find myself floundering around trying to keep a grasp on all my friendships back home, knowing that when I finally stumble back home in two years, nothing will ever be the same. And yet, everything will be the same still. But I’ve also lived with two Moroccan families, been told I will forever only be half American the rest of my life, because the other half will always be here in Morocco (I can’t argue that), and seen myself morph into something of a blend of the old life and new. All in four short months.

And maybe it’s because of this conversation I had tonight. Maybe it’s the idea of celebrating my birthday tomorrow five and half thousand miles from the family and friends that know me best. Maybe it’s the fact that today is the anniversary of another life defining moment of mine. Or maybe it’s just the typical bout of occasional philosophical views combined with clinical insanity that seems to infect every Peace Corps Volunteer. But I started thinking about where I was two years ago. And where I was a year ago. And where I am now. Call me crazy, but I do actually remember with great detail exactly where I was on May 16^th of 2011, 2012, and now 2013.

As I think about each of these May 16^th’s, they’re all different. Very different. But I also can see the relation of all of them. Maybe I’m cheating. I mean, I do actually know the relation of all of them. I know how one led to the other. I know how pushing myself to my limits as an RA in college and having my world turned upside down with a single phone call at 11pm on May 16^th of 2011 pushed me forward in my life until May 16^th of 2012. A night that I spent entirely with friends I had never met as of a year before, pre-funking my way into my 21^st birthday. At 11pm on May 16^th, 2012, my best friend was giving me a pep talk to get my shit together enough to at least be able to walk into Haggen’s and buy beer for the first time at midnight. And here I am, at 11pm on May 16^th, 2013. And I can see exactly how my party filled night one year ago led me to exactly where I sit right now. On another continent, living in my own apartment, typing up a blog post, eating a pack of goldfish that actually ended up costing my family $60 in shipping fees, but, in my opinion, were worth every penny.

But again, maybe I’m cheating. After all, I know what fell between each of these May 16^th’s. But whether I cheat or not, I still know that one thing leads to another. And to be perfectly honest, if none of these things ever happened, life could have still led me to exactly where I’m sitting right now. But if it had, I wouldn’t have been the person who is sitting here right now. I wouldn’t have truly known what it means to love your friends. And I wouldn’t have truly known that my life had hit a spiral and that Peace Corps was what I needed to save myself. And on May 16^th next year, we’ll see where life has me. But I can guarantee something. I guarantee that where I sit right now will in some way affect where I sit exactly one year from now. And that year is going to go by faster than I realize right now. And is also going to take longer than I ever knew time could take. Next year will be very different from today I’m sure. But as I said when I started, life is inconsistent. And you can’t live tomorrow until you’ve lived today first.