The Point Of Boston

I heard somewhere that there’s actually a gene for wanderlust. A gene to explain the inability to stay in one place. Something to put a biological reason behind the inner longing to do nothing but see every last thing this world has to offer. Perhaps that’s the case. Honestly I didn’t read the article close enough to remember. All I know is standing still, literally or metaphorically, is never something I’ve been good at in my life.

Perhaps it’s a combination of genetics and the fact that my earliest memory is a layover in an airport, but I think anyone that knows me can agree I was never destined to stand still. I love it. I love always having a new story to tell. I love the narcissistic feeling when people are impressed by the places I’ve been. I’m not above admitting that I do things because I think it’ll make me seem cool. But I also often wish I was that type of person capable of spending my whole life in one place. I wish I was happy with the idea of getting married, buying a house, having a few kids, retiring to Florida and dying (10 points to anyone who catches that reference). Being that person would mean the ability to always be around for the major moments in my friends and families lives. It would mean friendships that where close and lasting for years on end without requiring a strong Skype connection or the need to try to keep track of who the other people we tell each other about are because we’ve never met them ourselves. It would mean feeling like I was a stable person in any of my friends’ lives.

But we can’t change who we are. And there comes a time when we have to accept that we aren’t happy doing what we’re doing, and it’s time to make a change. Enter: Boston. Almost to the day, it’s been a year since I finished my Peace Corps service and made the decision to move back to Seattle. I hadn’t had the experience of living actually in the city before and I wanted to know what I claimed was my hometown once and for all. I wanted, after 27 months overseas, to be that stable person in my friends’ lives again, at least for the time being. I was never kidding myself to think I would stay in Seattle forever, or even for a long time. I have some friends who were amazed I even lasted as long as I did in Seattle (about 10 and a half months…ish). It’s a city that will always hold my heart close, that I love completely, that has some of the greatest people out there, and that frankly, just doesn’t have a lot of opportunity.

I’ve dealt with mental health problems off and on for years and have always been an advocate for taking care of our own mental health and not being afraid to admit it. It’s a field I’m passionate about and wanted the experience of working in, but also knew it wasn’t where I wanted to be forever. Kind of like Seattle. I got back from Peace Corps, I had a friend who worked in inpatient psychiatric, and I got hooked up with a job. I had a blast with it, I learned a ton from it, and I got what I wanted to get out of it. Unless I planned on becoming a nurse or getting my doctorate and being a therapist though, there wasn’t really anywhere else for me to go with my job. I was exhausted, I was tired of always being at risk of someone trying to punch me, and I wasn’t working towards anything. I needed something new.

Unfortunately, no matter how hard I looked, there just weren’t a lot of possibilities for other jobs in Seattle. Even if I wanted to stay in healthcare, the job market in Seattle is oversaturated and competition is fierce. Plus, to be frank, I think deep down I really didn’t want to just find something else in Seattle. I was burnt out on the city. Everyone I knew had moved there from somewhere else and was excited about it being new and different. I wanted that experience also, but Seattle is all I’ve known in the U.S. A few more broken hearts than I’m willing to admit in such a short time, combined with the city itself breaking my heart, and it was time to go.

I didn’t really care where I went, but I knew I’d always been drawn to the east coast. I applied for jobs everywhere though: New York, Chicago, Boston, DC, New Orleans. Really anything east of the Mississippi and I was willing to consider it. On March 9, I was tentatively offered a job in Boston, contingent on a few other things coming together, but if it worked, I had to be in Boston before April 9 or it was gone, the fun part being that I wouldn’t know for sure until the last minute. So by March 12, I put notice in at work, and made the decision to go no matter what. I bought a car, I packed my apartment, I planned it all out, set to leave Seattle on April 2 and drive cross country. On March 28, my second to last day at work, the job in Boston fell through, and I felt like my world crashed around me. This job was a dream. It would have set me up for everything I wanted to be doing in life. It was perfect. I didn’t have it anymore. I stood there in my boxed up apartment, set to have a new tenant move in 3 days later, and had to make a choice. Was I going to stick to my original plan of going no matter what (a plan that was a lot easier to make thinking that wouldn’t actually happen), or did I unpack all my boxes back into the same places in my apartment, take my notice at work back and continue doing what I’d been doing for the last 10 months, and just keep searching for other options in the meantime?

Ultimately though, the decision wasn’t up to me. It was up to my friend who was going to be letting me crash on her couch indefinitely in Boston while I got my feet on the ground, now a much more gracious thing to do if I really didn’t have any idea when I would be off her couch. On a break at work I called her up and, half in tears, asked her what she thought I should do. “You’re nuts if you think you aren’t still coming. You’re sick of Seattle, you need a change, and you said you were coming, get out here. Walk dogs while you figure it out if you have to. You can stay with me as long as you need.” I guess I was going. And I went.

Some people told me I was brave for doing what I did, some said they wish they could do something like that, some said I was nuts and should have stayed in Seattle while I looked for jobs before I moved. They’re all probably right in some form or another, but ultimately, I just listened to myself and what I needed right then, and it was to do something outrageous. I needed to do something that felt stupid and impulsive and impossible and prove I did it. I needed to know that in 20 years I could look back and know I did what my heart needed at the time. And honestly being in Boston makes me confident I’ll end up back in Seattle someday. But, as the ancient proverb goes, you have to get off the mountain to see it.

Boston to me is the chance for me to have a new experience and see another part of America. It’s the opportunity to know that sometimes things don’t go as planned but they can be what you chose to make them. It’s the recognition that life had given me a push in a direction and it was important to listen to it and see what it was going to tell me. It’s more than likely I won’t stay here forever, but it seems as good a place as any to hang out in while I figure out what to do next. 

Readjustment: The Good, The Bad, The Bizarre

It’s been over four months now since I returned to Seattle, and more than five months since I boarded a plane in Casablanca and left Morocco, my home for over the last two years, for likely the last time. I've started and restarted this blog post so many times I've lost count, never quite knowing what I was trying to say, as every day my head always seems to be in a different place. It’s been a time of transition (obviously), a time of great (terrifying) changes, and some of the hardest adulting I’ve ever had to do. If I joined Peace Corps to soul search and find myself, that entire process only had to be repeated once I was no longer in Peace Corps. I now have had to find out who I am without Peace Corps: 2 years wiser(?)than when I left, nowhere near the same person I was when I was 21 and debatably running away from who I was at the time, ready to prove I’ve changed, but back in the exact same place (physically) that I left. There have been great things that have come of this transition, some not as great, and, of course, a few bizarre realizations I’ve made. Here they are:

The Good

Morocco is a great country in many ways. It’s probably the most naturally photogenic place I’ve ever seen. There are wonderful parts of the culture and religion. The food is unbelievably great (I’ve said more than once since I’ve been back to Seattle that my stomach is homesick for Morocco). I can understand why people fall in love with it.

I didn’t fall in love with it.

I have no regrets about having gone into Peace Corps, and I have no wishes that I would have served anywhere else, but I never fell in love with Morocco. I struggled to feel like I was never able to fully be who I wanted there and often felt trapped. Being back in the US has made me unbelievably grateful for the opportunities we have here. I am more comfortable in my skin than I have been in over two years, and it’s been nothing short of freeing. In some ways my transition home has been like a bad breakup that I went a little too crazy after. Day 1 on US soil I cut all my hair off, I got a new tattoo within a week of being back to Seattle, and just to round it all off, I got a piercing also. I changed up my wardrobe and started dating again after not being able to for 2+ years. It’s been a blast to be able to do whatever I please without feeling like I’m under a microscope every time I walk out the door of my apartment. I can go to the store and buy groceries without someone 3 days later saying they saw me buying carrots and quizzing me to make sure I got the best price I could for that kilo of vegetables and if I actually, in fact, was capable of knowing how to properly cook the food I bought. In many ways it’s as if I finally have privacy about everything that used to be public, and I’m allowed to be public about everything that used to have to be private. And that’s a very freeing feeling.

I recently Skyped with a friend who’s still back in Morocco, who told me I looked completely different in the best way possible, and who said I look happier than she’s seen me in a long time. And it’s true. Being able to be myself again has made a world of difference. I love being put into situations where I’m uncomfortable and out of place. Those are always the moments I learn the most about myself. But sometimes it’s also nice to just be able to feel like you don’t have to spend 24/7 being self conscious.

There’s also good beer here. That’s been nice

. I’ve taken full advantage of that.

The Bad

As I said earlier, while I joined Peace Corps to find myself, sometimes I feel like now I have to do that process completely over again to now find my “Post-Peace Corps Self.” I went for a walk today to try to help clear my head a bit and called up one of my best friends from Peace Corps that I hadn’t talked to in awhile. Her and I spent a long time discussing how strange readjustment has been and commiserating over our struggles in it, specifically, we spent awhile talking about what making friends post-Peace Corps means and how in many ways it’s been both of our biggest struggles. I’ve always said that a person can never find friends like Peace Corps friends. We get each other in ways nobody else ever can. We’ve seen each other at our absolute worst and our absolute best. There’s no such thing as secrets in a Peace Corps friendships, with all possible topics on the table at any time, from what our most recent bowel movement was like to what it is back home we ran away from when we joined Peace Corps. Friendships in Morocco were deep, intense, trust-based, and most importantly, supportive.

One of the hardest parts about coming back after Peace Corps to the same place I left instead of moving somewhere entirely new is the realization that I have to face the fact that people aren’t right where I left them. My friends have scattered. I have to see people one at a time now rather than in large house parties filled with all of my favorite people in one place. People have moved, people have fallen out of touch, and, in all honesty, in many cases the most important people I want to see now are my Peace Corps friends who aren’t from here anyways. Combine that with the fact that I work evenings 5 nights a week and my social life is essentially shot. However the issue comes when I do have time for a social life and I have those moments where I don’t know who to call anyways. I told a friend today that my issue isn’t that I don’t have people to call if I ever need to talk. I have an abundance of great people in my life who have always told me I can call them whenever. The issue is that for the most part, all I have are people to call up and talk to. What I’m lacking are the people to call up to just hang out and be around.

 

But I think I also have a different definition of friendships when I meet new people now also. My friend and I were talking today about how we make friends and they just all feel superficial for the most part. They’re great. We get beers, we talk about what crazy thing happened at work that day, we share stories of our latest dating trials and tribulations, but it all feels surface level. I’m used to Peace Corps friendships. Friendships that involve talking for hours upon hours about our dreams and goals in life, about why we’re doing what we’re currently doing. Where we can cry to each other about the pain we saw someone else fighting through that day and how much we internalized it. I miss having friends that not only want to, but truly believe they’re working towards changing the world for the better. Friends that dream big, trust deeply, and have the utmost faith in each other and what our friendship means. And compared to the average American friendship, I feel like I’m always just surviving day to day, rather than truly moving forward in my interactions with others.

I may not necessarily miss Peace Corps or Morocco specifically, but I miss my Peace Corps family above anything else, and that’s a really difficult thing to explain to people who haven’t experienced it. Trying to explain that balance between not loving Morocco but being defensive as hell if anyone tries to insult it. Trying to balance wanting to travel more and knowing that if I keep letting everything in my life be temporary I won’t be invested in anything. Trying to find a social life that doesn’t require me to board a plane to go visit people on the other side of the country (or world). Honestly, the bad about readjustment is just the fact that I can rarely explain what is bad if I try, because it’s never anything tangible.

The Bizarre

A few days after I returned to Seattle I was driving somewhere (for the first time in a long, long time, I might add), and was sitting at a stoplight when the light turned green. Without thinking my hand moved to the horn and, just before slamming down and honking at the car in front of me less than two seconds after the light turned green, I stopped myself. I realized that maybe I should give the driver in front of me a chance to even process the fact that the light changed and allow them the opportunity to shift into gear and drive.

In Morocco, when cars pull up to a stop light, the car in the very front is often pulled so far forward they couldn’t see the light when it changed anyways. Car horns are used more as a courtesy for the drivers further forward in line than as an actual warning. And to be honest, now that I think about it, I’m not sure I ever saw a horn actually used as a real warning… Only as a way to let the furthest car forward know the light turned green and everyone behind said person was extremely impatient to get a move on. That day at the stop light I found myself chuckling at the extremely unexpected thing that had carried home with me from Morocco. My entire time living overseas I remember being extremely annoyed by how car horns were used, but apparently it had sunk so deeply into me that I tried to do the same thing without even realizing it. Ultimately, what this taught me was that sometimes what comes home with you most strongly are the things you never realized you paid attention to.

Additionally, I have taken to proudly accepting my “technological ineptitude” since I have returned home. It’s not that I’m actually technologically inept, merely that so much changed while I was gone that I have little interest in actually keeping up with it anymore.

One of the most striking things I found when I returned to the “first world” was how deeply everyone’s faces were buried in their smart phone. This was a realization I had before I ever left the airplane when I was flying into Europe after leaving Peace Corps. The moment the flight landed I was standing waiting for the mass of people to disembark and I stopped to look around. In that moment I realized that every last person within a 5 row radius of me already had their cell phone on and was very intently staring at the screen. It was unnerving to say the least. This isn’t to say I haven’t taken up this same “iPhone posture” as my dad calls it: slouched over, blank face, staring into my phone. It’s just to say that I don’t take the time to keep up with every latest fad or app that comes around. A friend finally sat down and explained Snapchat to me recently (which was invented after I left, I might add), and the only response I had was that people send a lot of stupid shit with that app, and after attempting to be a good millennial and use it for a few days, I gave up, finding nothing but useless information being fed my direction with it. I’ve been told I should get instagram, but I’ve yet to feel a draw towards it….

And finally, as I finish this post up, listening to it starting to rain outside, all I can seem to think is this: For all the times I longed for a Seattle rain while I was sitting out in the middle of the Sahara, there is very little I wouldn’t give in order to experience the smell of the desert after the rainstorm just once more…  

Dak Shi Li Kayn

Sometime around a year and a half ago, I put a quote up on the wall of my kitchen. It’s unknown who said it, but it goes like this: “Anyone can give up, it’s the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone would understand if you fell apart, that’s true strength.” In many ways, that quote has both defined my Peace Corps service as well as helped me survive my Peace Corps service.

As of today, I only have 22 days left of my Peace Corps service. Including today, I have been here for 795 days, and compared to that, a mere 22 days left is an astoundingly small period of time. In fact looking at those numbers tends to give me a small panic attack. At the beginning of service I hung up on my wall a calendar that included every month of my time here in Morocco, and as each month as passed, I have marked a large blue X across the month. Well now here I am with just March and April of 2015 left un-Xed out, and I’m not sure how I feel about that.

Whether we want to or not, the end of such defining life events such as this tends to make you reflect back on your experience and also think forward to what it means for the future. I readily admit I’m not great with change. I’m all about change, but only on my own terms. My problem comes when change happens to me without my permission or say in the matter. That’s when I start to panic a little. Or sometimes, a lot.

Three and a half years ago, when I first started my Peace Corps application, I did it for a lot of reasons. I actually remember quite clearly the autumn day I first started my application. I was sitting in Viking Union at one of those tables that’s too tall to touch the ground when you sit, probably avoiding studying for a midterm or putting off some paper that I would end up writing at 2am the night before it was due (then later getting an awesome grade on, much to all my friends chagrin). I was burnt out. I was 20 years old and was one quarter away from graduating from Western. The idea of dropping out, loading up Toby, my trusty green Subaru, and driving across the country without a plan had crossed my mind quite seriously. I had studied abroad that summer and wasn’t adjusting back to the US well. I was angry at life, I was confused about what I wanted to be doing, my living situation wasn’t going swimmingly, and I felt like I was teetering on some invisible edge. Almost daily someone was reminding me that I was set to graduate in a quarter and a half (because I obviously wasn’t aware and panicking enough on my own) and the question “What’s your plan after you graduate?” was liable to make me punch you in the throat.

So I started my Peace Corps application. If I’m being completely honest here, it was mostly to shut everyone up who insisted on pushing me to have a plan for the rest of my existence after I graduated. I had talked about joining Peace Corps for a long time, and it was what everyone seemed to expect me to do next and no one seemed to understand why I hadn’t started the application yet. At the time though, I just wasn’t sure what I wanted to be doing. I hadn’t started my application because I was a little lost. Well, I was a lot lost. I knew I wanted to do Peace Corps eventually, but I was also incredibly aware that I was only 20 years old, and needed to do some soul searching. But for now, the Peace Corps application at least gave me an answer to the unceasing questions about my post-graduation plans.

So yes, my initial decision to apply for Peace Corps started mostly as a way to make people leave me alone. But it evolved. It wasn’t until over a year later that I finally left for Morocco, and in those 15 months or so, a lot happened. A lot I’m not willing to go into here because it probably doesn’t need to be on the internet. It became incredibly clear by part way through that next summer that I needed Peace Corps. I needed a chance to get away, start fresh, and figure out who I wanted to be and who I needed to be. I needed a change in scenery, I needed to be inspired, I needed people who didn’t know me and didn’t have preconceived notions of me. I had made a lot of really stupid choices the last few months that had burnt a lot of friendship bridges and nearly lost myself the opportunity of Peace Corps, and it was enough to make me realize how much I not only needed Peace Corps, but how much I wanted Peace Corps.

And that has continued to be what Peace Corps means to me. People join for many reasons, and I’m willing to bet nobody joins for one single reason, myself included. You join to make a difference. You join to see the world. You join to meet new people, learn a new language, challenge yourself. You join to kill some time between undergrad and grad school. You join to put it on an application later for the Foreign Service. You join because you need to learn something about yourself. Whatever anybody’s reasons are, we all have them, and we all have multiple of them. But for myself, Peace Corps was more of a personal journey than it was anything else.

Sitting here typing this today, I’m thinking back on the past 27 months of service I’ve had. In many ways, I don’t think my work has always been the most necessary or fulfilling. I don’t think I did anything outrageously needed or profound. With a few very notable exceptions, I didn’t make extensive connections of dozens of people I’ll forever stay in touch with and immediately come back to visit. But, in the words of my favorite Moroccan Arabic phrase (so important that I even had it tattooed onto my arm), Dak shi li kayn, it is what it is. Peace Corps was a personal journey for me much more than a professional one. And I’m alright with that.

When your two years of service start to come to a close, you have the option of extending your service for a third year if you want. A fellow volunteer in the group a year behind mine asked me about 6 months ago if I was considering extending, and, completely involuntarily, I laughed in her face. “I’ve almost quit and gone home early far too many times for extending to be a viable option for me” I told her. And it’s true. I have considered ET-ing (Early Termination – we love acronyms here…) on numerous occasions, at one point in time even going through the interview process for a job back in Seattle that was worth dropping out for (I didn’t get the job, obviously, since I’m still in Morocco). And each time I’ve considered the possibility, I’ve sat at my kitchen table and pondered that quote on my wall.

“Anyone can give up, it’s the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that’s true strength.”

It’s true. If I had decided it was time for me to end my service and return to the States, nobody in my vast Peace Corps family would have questioned it. They would have my back, trust I did what I needed to do, and wish me well on my journey. We say it a lot: 27 months is a really long time to be unhappy. If you don’t want to be here, you won’t do your best work anyways and you should make the decision that’s best for you. Everyone would have understood if I fell apart. Although let’s be real here, it’s not really an if I fell apart thing. I’ve fallen apart plenty of times during my service here. I’ve cried more in the last 27 months than I have in a very long time. I’ve sat in my friend’s apartments when I just couldn’t sit in my own anymore. I’ve carried full conversations with my cat when I just needed someone to talk to. I’ve asked myself why the hell I took on this crazy ride more times than I can count. But here I am, 795 days later, and I did it. In a few days I’ll not only put a big blue X over March 2015, I’ll completely take the calendar off the wall and walk away.

I’ve spent a long time reflecting over my service the last few days, weeks, and months. To be honest, I’m really not sure what I’ve come up with out of all that reflection. I’m incredibly proud of the fact that I’ve made it this far, because I really didn’t think I’d make it at a few points on this journey. I know that I’m walking away from this experience a better person that I came in. I know I’ve grown up a lot while I’ve been here. I know I have more confidence in my ability to be a functional adult than I did going in (although make no mistake, I still can’t adult to save my life). But I also know that the future holds a lot of question marks for me. And that terrifies me. I have no idea what I’m doing once I go home. I really don’t even know what I want to be doing in the future. Facing unknowns doesn’t always lead to good things for me. But sometimes, they also do. I could have given up, it would have been easy, and nobody would have questioned me for it. But I held it together anyways, and I can’t stop tomorrow from coming, so I might as well stand tall, trust myself, trust the family that surrounds me, both blood and chosen, and make the most of it. Dak shi li kayn.

The music of this post, as well as the most true Peace Corps anthem I've found thus far.

2 Years Ago Was A Weird Day. Today Was Also A Weird Day.

Today is exactly 2 years since I boarded a plane in Philadelphia and came to Morocco. And you know what? It’s been a weird two years. It’s been without a doubt the most challenging thing I’ve put myself through, but it has also taught me so much about myself, about Morocco, about Islam, and most of all, it’s taught me a lot about what life really means.

I spent a good chunk of my day today at my host family’s house for my host father’s funeral. I’d like to say it’s the first funeral I’ve been to here in Morocco, but it’s not. I’d also like to say that I haven’t missed any funerals back home since being here, but that too would be a lie. I’ve missed 3. In a lot of ways, this is what haunts me the most as I look back on my service with a mere 84 days to go. When you leave for the Peace Corps, you know you’re signing up to miss things back home. You’re signing up to miss birthdays and weddings and graduations. You sign up to miss holidays with your family and watching the leaves change. But the impossible thing to know when you board that plane is if everyone is going to still be there when you get off the plane again 27 months down the road. But I was 21 when I came, no living grandparents, everyone seemed to be in reasonable health, what could go wrong? But sometimes, it just does go wrong. And that’s hard.

I had the opportunity to go back home for this Christmas, and to be back in my college town for New Years. While I was there, I ran into some old friends that I hadn’t stayed in touch with during Peace Corps, and one of them asked me (in an effort to understand my service without vague or never ending questions) to tell him my highest high and my lowest low of service. Side note: it’s a pretty brilliant question if you stop to think about it. I recommend all my fellow volunteers ponder it. Anyways… I thought for a bit about the question and tried to best form a response in my head. Immediately I knew that the pain of losing 3 people back home and being helpless to support those I love so much during hard times was my lowest low. Having only a computer screen to tell you how life is during those times is torture. But then I thought about my highest highs.

I’ve had a lot of highs since I’ve been in Morocco. I’ve travelled solo for the first time. I’ve learned a new language. I’ve carried conversations in English with students who previously could barely say ‘hello’. I’ve made best friends. I’ve eaten weird things. I’ve gotten weird sicknesses. I’ve learned how to cook. I’ve celebrated with my host sister when she graduated high school. I watched my parents step into the unknown when they left the US for the first time to come visit me in Morocco (they rocked it by the way).

I could go on. I’m tempted to go on. Because when it all comes down to it, I’ve had a lot of pretty great times here in Morocco. Sometimes things suck here, but sometimes also, they don’t. Ultimately, I think that’s the most important lesson I can come out of Peace Corps with. Just the knowledge that for every down, there’s an up, and for every up, there’s a down. If you spend 27 months in the Peace Corps, living in a foreign country, trying to function in an unknown language, and doing it mostly by yourself, and you don’t come out of the whole experience more resilient than you went in, I’m pretty sure you did it wrong.

I once asked a former volunteer to give me advice about Peace Corps right before I left for Morocco. They told me to journal on the bad days, and blog on the good. Well, I’ve both journaled and blogged today, so I suppose that I’m somewhere in the middle. But the more I think about it, I think basically all of Peace Corps service, and most of the human condition, is typically somewhere in the middle. So I guess what I’m saying here is just this: maybe Peace Corps just makes us a little more human. 

A Note to Americans On Becoming American

One evening last fall, after finishing my English classes at my center, I ran into a man who was waiting for me outside the gates as I left. “I heard there was an American that worked here. So I was wondering if I could talk to you” he told me hesitantly in fluent English while handing me a paper that I could tell he had folded and unfolded over and over again in order to read it often. I opened the paper, and the first thing I saw was a U.S. government seal of some sort adorning the top of the official stationary. The letter was from U.S. Immigration informing him that he had been selected for a green card to the United States. Thousands of people apply every year for a U.S. green card, and it is a random selection of who will win the few available spots. “I won the lottery” he said with a grin, “and I have a lot of questions about America that I was hoping you could help me understand.”

Since that night, I have remained in contact with him while he prepares to make the huge move to the United States, which he is planning to do in August (inshallah). I get regular texts from him ranging from just a simple “hello, how is your day going?” to questions about English grammar (“why are cars and boats referred to as female?” Good question my friend… good question.), American movies (“which superhero do you like the best?”), to him asking for my advice on just where in the United States he should move to (imagine making that choice: moving to a new country without any connections and having to just pick a spot to go). By winning the green card lottery, he is required to move to the United States sometime in 2014 before the end of November or he loses the opportunity, he must have a sponsor to have as a connection wherever he moves in order to help him get settled, and after five years, he is allowed to apply and receive U.S. citizenship. He recently made the final decision that he will be moving to Ft. Wayne, Indiana due to a connection he has with a friend of a friend of his family (or some other convoluted connection that I didn’t quite catch) that is willing to sponsor him.

This past weekend, I asked if he wanted to meet up for a cup of coffee since we hadn’t seen each other in a long time, and thus far basically just had a friendship based on text messaging (which gets expensive). I asked him about his plans when he got to the United States, if he was excited, what he was unsure about, etc. He talked about his plans to find a job and work on his English a little bit more, then enroll in university as soon as he could get a social security number. He said he was more nervous and scared than excited, and his family wasn’t very happy because they were saying goodbye to him without any idea of when they’ll ever see him again. He talked about how intimidating it is to be moving to such a powerful country in the world and how he is stepping into a brand new culture without knowing anyone. My sitemate and I both laughed a little and told him we definitely understand that feeling of moving to a new culture without any real idea of when you’ll see people back home again, although he has the advantage of knowing the language in advance. He asked us both questions on all possible topics: “Is it alright if I know nothing about American football?” “How do I search for a job in America?” “What are the big holidays? When is Christmas again?” “What is the difference between college and university? How does financial aid work?” “I read that there is a large German population in Indiana, should I work on learning German?”

The main feeling I had while talking to my friend was just an overwhelming sense of how strong and brave he is for what he’s doing. At least when I left for Morocco I knew after 2 years I would be coming home. He is leaving with zero idea about when or if he’ll ever be able to make it back to Morocco, and has next to nobody there to hold his hand through the process like Peace Corps does for me. But the most humbling moment of the entire conversation was when I asked him what he was most nervous about. “I’m scared of facing racism because I’m Muslim.” Every other question or topic we had discussed I had always been able to explain the realities of what he would face in America and put his mind to ease. But I had no answer here. “Yeah… that’s… something that you will face” I had to finally admit. My heart broke.

In response to this, here is what I want people in America to know and understand about my friend, and any immigrant for that matter:

Muslims are NOT the enemy of America. This statement has been said quite often in the news lately as well in response to the recent release of a U.S. POW from Afghanistan, and every time I read it, a certain level of fury boils up inside me that I hadn’t realized was there. Subscribing to a certain religion does NOT, in ANY way, make you an enemy. To America, to you personally, to anyone. The enemy that the United States is fighting in various wars both abroad and at home are the people who are hurting and/or killing other people. The ones who strap bombs to their chests, who take hostages, who walk into schools at open fire on small children. Those people are the enemy. Being Muslim does not mean that you are a terrorist, and being a terrorist does not mean you are Muslim. Around the world, there are Christians, Muslims, Hindus, Sikhs, Jews, Buddhists, anyone really, that are blowing things up, killing people, or fighting wars. Go outside and stop 50 Christians at random on the street and ask them if they think someone who blows up a building and says it is in the name of Christianity aligns with their Christian beliefs. They’ll likely say no, because those are radical outsiders in the religion. The same goes for the Muslim suicide bombers we hear about. They aren’t the real representation of Islam, a peaceful, beautiful religion if I’ve ever seen one.

These people are working HARD to be in America, they aren’t trying to freeload you. My friend already has a degree from a University here in Morocco, but you might remember I said above that his first goal in the United States is to get into University. His degree from Morocco isn’t recognized in America, so he is going to go do it all over again. He’s still in school as I type this right now, working hard to finish up exams, even though he knows he’s going to have to do it all over again. He has gone through all legal means to be in the United States, is working hard to get a job and an education in America, and wants nothing more than to just be able to be a part of American society. In my experience before Peace Corps of working with other immigrants, this is the reality for everyone I met. They are all working their ass’s off to stay afloat in a difficult economy and culture. They work harder than any born and raised American I’ve ever met, working jobs many people would never want. Let’s give them a little bit of respect.

There’s a learning curve to any culture, give them a chance. So my friend has no idea what the point of baseball is… that’s okay. He’s never experienced it. Take him to a game, I’ll bet he’d enjoy the chance to spend some time with a new friend. Maybe he doesn’t understand what the idiom “That came out of the blue” means. Unless English is your first language, idioms are really difficult to understand, don’t hold it against him. Just remember that English is his 4^th language, and one of 5 that he speaks. One of the biggest questions he asked me and my sitemate was about how to find a job in the United States, or an apartment. In Morocco, you simply go wander around your community and ask if there are available apartments anywhere, or if you have any connections to jobs. There are no official listings anywhere, often times no lease agreements or any official paperwork, and few people have bank accounts, as it’s an almost exclusively cash based society. I can imagine transitioning to American standards of everything signed and lawsuit-proofed, the clock is the ruling power of our world, and all listings for nearly everything are computerized can be a little overwhelming. Help show him how it’s done, this is all new territory.

And finally… My friend is so excited to come to America and experience what he sees as “the greatest country in the world”… don’t ruin that ideal for him. He see’s America in higher standards than I do. He talks of how he is moving to the best, most powerful, greatest country and culture in the world. All immigrants come to America for a reason, and they want to be there. Believe me, if they didn’t, it would have been a lot easier to have not tried to get there in the first place, we don’t exactly open the door welcomingly. My biggest fear for my friend is that he is going to end up arriving in America only to find it’s exactly what I think it is. So my request to anyone who ever meets someone who is new to America and working hard to make a life for themselves is this: Give them a smile, and welcome them. They’re going through a struggle so difficult you will likely never understand it. They’re working very hard. They’re learning a new language. They’re adjusting to a new culture. They are adjusting to new food, work customs, and societal expectations, and they’re doing it all at the same time. They don’t need the additional strain of racist comments, doors slammed in their faces, or ignorant coworkers to add to their stress. Offer to help them out instead, there’s so much for them to learn. America is a country of immigrants, and is built on the idea that anyone should be able to make it, and everyone has something to offer if they just work hard enough. In some ways, I think my friend is going to be a better specimen of what it means to be “American” than any of us are because of that.

Snapshots Of Service: Beating the One-Year Slump

It’s 5:30 in the morning when my alarm goes off. Tajine, my roommate and feline companion takes this as an opportunity to snuggle closer to me in an attempt to keep me in my bed, which works for awhile (not that I really was opposed to the idea). It’s still dark outside, and I’m running through my schedule for the day in my head. I need to be out the door by 6:30 in order to catch the train I need; I’m heading north to Meknes for 2 weeks to help with the new trainee’s that have just arrived in country. As I lay there in the dark, I hear the Fajr call to prayer begin to sing off in the distance. None of the mosques are timed up to each other, and as one call to prayer ends, I hear another begin, continuing for all the mosques throughout Kalaa Sragna. There’s a feeling in the air as an entire country all rises from bed at the same time in order to face to the east and say their morning prayers. It doesn’t matter that I don’t follow the Islamic faith, there’s still something magical about the moment. Lying in bed, it’s the perfect start to my day, and I can’t help but climb out of bed in a good mood, excited about the prospect of my upcoming 8 hour train ride across Morocco.

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One of the trainee’s has invited me over to have kaskerot (a meal between lunch and dinner, typically served around 6pm) with her at her host family’s house. Upon arrival, I was immediately presented with an entire spread of breads, jams, olives, honey, and tea, among other things. The table can barely hold everything they set out, and I know this is nothing out of the ordinary. Any guest in the house would get this same treatment, both in this house, and in any other house in Morocco. It’s just the way things are done here. The family is impressed by my Arabic skills, and I feel a sense of having really accomplished something in the last year. I’m handed the 8 month old son, and play with him for awhile, while still conversing with Mama and Baba, who, of course, have adopted me as another daughter in the family. By this point in time, I must have at least a dozen different families throughout Morocco. I feel as at ease in this house after a mere 20 minutes as I do in my own house, and again, that’s just the way things are done here. After all, they’re my family now, remember?

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My friend and I have cooked an American meal for all the trainee’s together. Aziza, the landlady of the house we’ve been staying at for these 2 weeks, is also there, graciously allowing us to use her kitchen, as well as joining us for the meal. She radiates a loving grandmotherly feel, and I’ve never seen her with anything other than a smile. It’s a gorgeous, sunny Moroccan day, and we’re all outside on the roof overlooking the stunningly green rolling hills that define the north of Morocco. I couldn’t ask for a more perfect image. I’ve got my ipod on shuffle, and the atmosphere is one of friendship and relaxation, synonymous with the atmosphere of this country I call home. As an upbeat song plays from the speaker, I dance a little to the beat, joined quickly by Aziza. We both are dancing in a ridiculous fashion, trying to match each other, turning into an awkwardly great mixture of Moroccan and American styles. Surrounded by so many inspiring fellow volunteers, and dancing with Aziza, who epitomizes the loving nature of Moroccan grandmothers, I know I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be in the world.

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I’m done with work for the day, and step out of the trainee house, headed back to the house I’m living at. As I walk down the alley towards the street, a group of young boys are playing kora (soccer) in a neighboring lot. I hear a group of them shout “Fransowia!! Fransowia!!” at me as well as a few other phrases, all in French, the usual assumption being that all foreigners must be French.  I stop and approach them, telling them in Arabic that I’m not French. One boy steps forward, clearly the ringleader of the bunch. I tell them I’m American, and introduce myself, still in Arabic. A smile crosses the boy’s face, and he sticks his hand out to me to shake, and tells me in Arabic that it was nice to meet me. As I walk away they all yell a friendly goodbye to me and go back to their kora game. It’s moments like these that define my service as a youth development volunteer.

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Way back a year ago during training, we were all given a little chart of the ups and downs of emotions through the course of a Peace Corps service. I instinctively rejected it, as the idea that I’m expected to be feeling a certain way at a certain time simply didn’t settle well with me. One of the big down drops on the chart though fell right at the one-year-in-country mark. There’s also a phrase commonly thrown around within the PCV community known as the “one-year slump.” Being in country now for a little over 13 months, I can tell you this: The One-Year Slump is a thing. January was a little gross, slow, and kind of made me question what I’m doing with my life here in Morocco. But it also ends, and the other side of that slump is where you find how much you’ve accomplished, how much you care, and how much you’ve changed as a person in the last year. I couldn’t ask for a better place to be right now, and I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else in the world right now. Morocco is a country of devastatingly indescribable beauty, both in nature and in the people. Every day brings me a new adventure. Every day gives me a new reason to smile. Every day gives me a new story to tell. And most importantly, every day makes me fall in love with l-Maghrib just that much more. One year down, one year to go. How times does truly fly. 

2014 Labyrinth Literary Journal

The following post was a piece that I wrote and submitted to Labyrinth Literary Journal, published each year by the Women's Center at Western Washington University. The theme for this years journal is "Communities (Un)bound, and exploration of privilege and oppression when accessing, being denied, and moving through circles of communities." A very close friend of mine is in charge of editing the journal this year, and asked me personally if I would write a piece about my experience travelling and living abroad for the journal, and I just couldn't turn him down. I have posted the piece here exactly as it was submitted to the journal, and I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed the experience of writing it. 

There’s a term known around the community of travelers, professional nomads, and wanderlust addicts known as a Third Culture Kid. These are kids who have spent their childhood bouncing from culture to culture, travelling with their parents, or just raised outside of their parents’ culture. They can adopt various cultures with relative ease, but do not have one specific culture they claim as their own. They are a blend of years of travelling and interactions between different cultures, and often feel a sense of equal comfort and discomfort all at once in any country they find themselves in.

I am not a Third Culture Kid.

But shit, how I wish I was. And believe me, if and when I ever have my own children (don’t tell my mother the “if” part of that sentence) then they will undoubtedly be Third Culture Kid’s. Many of my best friends are TCK’s, and I like to think I at least was one in a past life.

I grew up travelling all over the United States, and have always found airports to be one of the most magical places in the world. Yes, even more so than Disneyland. There’s a certain feeling in the air that you can only find when waking up at 3am, arriving at Sea-Tac in the dark, and taking off to a far off destination just as the sun rises over Mount Rainer. But it wasn’t until I turned 20, got my first passport, and spent a summer abroad in rural Kenya along Lake Victoria that my lifelong desire to be anywhere but where I currently was really took hold of me and held on for dear life.

Since that time, I’ve dedicated my life to the finding and experiencing the beauty and fluidity of different cultures. My passport is exceptionally unimpressive compared to many seasoned international vagrants, but it’s a work in progress. I’m on a mission to fill my passport before it expires, eat as many strange foods as possible (such as the kabob of sheep lung wrapped in stomach lining that I ate for l-Eid Kbir in Morocco), and find genuine human connections with the people I meet along the way. What I’ve found during this quest though has surprised me.

It’s no secret to anyone that has ever known me that I really am not America’s biggest fan. It bothers me when I meet people abroad who immediately associate me with the decisions of my government (I know very little about what’s going on in Israel and Palestine, and an angry taxi driver telling me I’m the cause of that conflict is not a valid statement), and I try to experience each culture I encounter with an open mind and an open heart. But the most important thing I’ve learned over the course of my travels is that the longer I’m away from the great Pacific Northwest, the more I fall head over heels in love with it. The more flights I take, street food I eat, and homes I am welcomed into, the more I see how deeply rooted my American culture is engrained in me. And I’ve learned that that’s okay.

I am an American. I was raised in a suburb of Seattle, Washington. I grew up travelling to Florida for Christmas, and driving to Portland for reason’s I don’t entirely remember. Up until I was 21 and spent 3 months of intensive study learning Darija, the Moroccan dialect of Arabic, English was the only language I spoke. My parents spent almost every Saturday of my childhood cheering me on in youth soccer leagues, driving me to fastpitch tournaments, or supporting me in the brief stint during middle school where I dawdled in fencing lessons (turns out, stabbing people with a sword is fun! Who knew?!). I’ve gone to school in American public schools my whole life, and until high school, had reasonably strong, though admittedly not always consistent, relationship with United Methodist Christianity. I’ve bought my groceries at large chain-stores, where my food came in boxes and bags. I recycle like my life depends on it, and can’t bring myself to show up to someone’s house unannounced expecting to hang out. Without leaving the United States and living full time in another country, I would never have even taken the time to think about the fact that this, as well as so many more things I may never even realize, is American culture manifesting in me, and will, for the rest of my life, follow me wherever I go.

American culture is how I talk. It is how I walk. It is how I interact with people around me. It is the social norms that I follow, and unconsciously expect other’s to follow. It is the biased lens that I will forever see life through, and, no matter what, that cannot change. It is the common assumptions and ways of thinking that are so deeply engrained within me that I don’t even know they’re a thing. And until I left America, I never really realized how much a part of me they were. Some of the things I really like, some not so much. But no matter what, I always am striving to put aside this culture of mine even just a little, so as to make room for new experiences everywhere I go.

I’ll never be a Third Culture Kid. That time has come and gone, and my culture is very clearly defined in who I am and how I have grown up. But culture is also never set in stone. It is forever evolving, ebbing and flowing around my experiences and beliefs like a river. Parts of American culture will always be in me, but I also by now have pieces of Kenyan beliefs, Moroccan customs, and quite possibly a dab of Canadian… something all sharing space in my mannerisms, conversations, and ideals. All sharing space in the ever evolving definition of who I am. The ideal that I strive for is the ability to always enter a new culture with an open mind, ready to learn something new, make a connection with someone, and find a way to integrate some piece of that experience into who I am.