Claiming the identity of a “traveler” to yourself, in my
opinion, also in some ways attaches the label of “inconsistent” to your life. Sometimes
that’s fun. It’s fun to have life always changing around you, but sometimes it
can also be bittersweet. Watching the sun set over a Moroccan skyline tonight,
with the background of the call to prayer playing from the local mosque as
music to my ears, I was talking to a friend about life. Life here in Morocco.
Life back in America. And we were talking about time. How fast time moves, and
how slow it moves all at once, like one big contradiction designed to mess up
your perception of the world around you.
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We got off the phone, and I headed out of my apartment onto
the busy streets of my town that only seem to come alive after the sun goes
down here. I strolled through the streets teaming with motorcycles and carts
selling oranges and dates and popcorn, and sat at a table on the sidewalk
eating delicious harira and msimn, watching the swarms of people flow around me
like a wave. And everything about tonight was exactly what I’ve always dreamed
for my life to be. Getting a chance to
travel to a foreign land, experience new sights, sounds, smells. I’m meeting
people and sharing my culture with them while learning to love their culture at
the same time. I’m struggling through a foreign language and laughing my way
through the whole process. It’s a life many people can only dream of.
But that conversation about life and time and people
followed me back to my apartment after finishing my dinner. We talked about how
today is exactly four months that I’ve been in this country. And how we can’t
believe it’s only been four months, it feels like so much more. But damn. Has
it really already been four months?
The things that have already changed in that time break my heart and blow my
mind all at the same time. I find myself floundering around trying to keep a
grasp on all my friendships back home, knowing that when I finally stumble back
home in two years, nothing will ever be the same. And yet, everything will be the same still. But I’ve also lived with two
Moroccan families, been told I will forever only be half American the rest of
my life, because the other half will always be here in Morocco (I can’t argue
that), and seen myself morph into something of a blend of the old life and new.
All in four short months.
And maybe it’s because of this conversation I had tonight. Maybe
it’s the idea of celebrating my birthday tomorrow five and half thousand miles
from the family and friends that know me best. Maybe it’s the fact that today
is the anniversary of another life defining moment of mine. Or maybe it’s just
the typical bout of occasional philosophical views combined with clinical
insanity that seems to infect every Peace Corps Volunteer. But I started
thinking about where I was two years ago. And where I was a year ago. And where
I am now. Call me crazy, but I do actually remember with great detail exactly
where I was on May 16th of 2011, 2012, and now 2013.
As I think about each of these May 16th’s, they’re
all different. Very different. But I
also can see the relation of all of them. Maybe I’m cheating. I mean, I do
actually know the relation of all of them. I know how one led to the other. I
know how pushing myself to my limits as an RA in college and having my world
turned upside down with a single phone call at 11pm on May 16th of
2011 pushed me forward in my life until May 16th of 2012. A night
that I spent entirely with friends I had never met as of a year before,
pre-funking my way into my 21st birthday. At 11pm on May 16th,
2012, my best friend was giving me a pep talk to get my shit together enough to
at least be able to walk into Haggen’s and buy beer for the first time at
midnight. And here I am, at 11pm on May 16th, 2013. And I can see
exactly how my party filled night one year ago led me to exactly where I sit
right now. On another continent, living in my own apartment, typing up a blog
post, eating a pack of goldfish that actually ended up costing my family $60 in
shipping fees, but, in my opinion, were worth every penny.
But again, maybe I’m cheating. After all, I know what fell
between each of these May 16th’s. But whether I cheat or not, I
still know that one thing leads to another. And to be perfectly honest, if none
of these things ever happened, life could have still led me to exactly where I’m
sitting right now. But if it had, I wouldn’t have been the person who is
sitting here right now. I wouldn’t have truly known what it means to love your
friends. And I wouldn’t have truly known that my life had hit a spiral and that
Peace Corps was what I needed to save myself. And on May 16th next
year, we’ll see where life has me. But I can guarantee something. I guarantee that
where I sit right now will in some way affect where I sit exactly one year from
now. And that year is going to go by faster than I realize right now. And is
also going to take longer than I ever knew time could take. Next year will be
very different from today I’m sure. But as I said when I started, life is inconsistent.
And you can’t live tomorrow until you’ve lived today first.
